Wednesday, January 27, 2010
let it go
As Venus enters Aquarius and forms significant angles with Saturn and Mars; the planets are aligned for love and romance. So maybe that’s the reason for what is going on lately as a side note rerun in my life. My spirit is struggling and I need to examine a pattern that is surfacing and maybe I just need to rant as part of my cleansing. I’m trying to understand but I keep coming up with the same answer so maybe it’s not me. I always try to consider myself first in situations as any good Aspie would do. Note: "Aspie" a term of endearment used to refer to my Asperger's Syndrome aka high functioning autism aka non neruotypical aka, you get the picture.
My understanding is that when a relationship ends in a break up that means its over. It is no longer working; broken. There is a reason you are no longer together. You get together because of circumstance, interest, sharing lessons to be learned and so on. Then when the experiences have brought you all you can learn its time to move on, well that’s how it was for me. Always with the call of the wolf to move on even in the beginning but when it’s done it’s done. I am not one to go back on my journey. I sometimes look back over my shoulder recheck the lessons heal the hurt, celebrate the good, and move on to learn again.
For some reason a few of the people from my past (hereafter known as they) would like me to answer their expectation that I somehow owe them something years later. I get its not about me it’s about them but after so many times a girl has just gotta let out a rant. So here goes…I don’t get how they think they have an impact or say in my life choices and decisions today. How dare I try to move on in a positive way with my life and not consult them on how that should be done. How I am supposed to submit for approval any art I create or training I do because they somehow feel ownership. I don’t get how according to their way of thinking I am supposed to not do, say, wear, live or enjoy anything that might have in any way what so ever been a part of one of my past relationships part of me and who I am. They somehow perceive some items, discussions, or ideas as belonging to them and I had no clue. How those things shared at one time were somehow forever marked and I should put away my life and choices because they feel it or I somehow belong to them. I don’t think you really know me now anyway because I am ever changing and not the same as when we first met. Its only your illusion of who you think I should be or imagined me to be that you still cling to.
The reality is we do not own people and shared experiences of our past are just that, shared and we each get to keep our own. They help to shape who we are today good or bad it just is what happened. As an Aspie I am challenged in conventional ways of social communication but I do try to make things clear. And I’m not saying I didn’t share some good experiences of joy and love with others and I honor those memories (in my own way not how you think I should) but it’s over, it’s been over. We parted ways and it really is done.
In some cases we are friends because they have chosen as I have to respect boundaries. In other cases I don’t think they have a clue what a boundary is so we are not friends. When you speak harshly about me in community, use hurtful words in writing and make assumptions about me and my life you are not in a place of love, don’t fool yourself. You are still lost in your own pain or anger to see clearly. My words to you are let go and move on you are not in a place to befriend me. I wish you well.
As for me I have come to rest in the wolfs cry and am in the most peaceful loving respectful place I have ever been in my life. I wish you clear paths and thanks for allowing me to let it go.