Friday, March 25, 2011

Ropes course of life

We welcomed the Ninth Wave on March 9, 2011 and will continue with the Light (time for us to move/ action) and Darkness (time to rest) as we are told by the Mayan calender. This wave is about planting the seeds of unity consciousness and nurturing it to full fruit come October 28, 2011. Its a major shift in energy and so far this Mayan New Year has brought many lessons for me. Its an exciting time with lessons pouring in from all directions. Its also close to my personal New Year and that's always a time of shedding and rebirth. So this year its a double shot of the trinity: challenge, creativity, and change.

 I feel that lately I have been on my own personal ropes challenge course of sorts. I have been experiencing a mix of high and low elements. I know its an adventure. Its scary but one I have chosen. I've done my Myers Brigg Type Indicator and that shed more light on my known strengths and challenges. I put my fears in a hat, read them out loud and its time to step out and update my life map. I'm OK with the cat walking to help create balance and build my confidence. And I'm much better at mindful walks than I am at the trust fall. So I guess that means I have to stretch myself again.

 I'm struggling and it takes all I can but I am committed to get through this so I am pushing. Pushing through the pain, uneasy feelings, fear, and leaving the past stuff I once clung to for security. I realize its only a perceived safety and it has been a barrier. Its time to trade it in for the real stuff. Again scary but as I weigh it out, well worth the risk. Except for the letting go and surrendering to the process. I have to trust myself and I have to trust the one to catch me in the process of this trust fall exercise. Here is where I encounter the biggest challenge.

As a survivor and an Aspie my life record of trust has betrayed me like a sweet talking salesman. Its difficult to admit but it has been my Aspie childlike naivety has led to through some fire walking I dont care to repeat. I have stored the lessons so perhaps I wont but then again I'm never sure. The skinny branch of trust wavers in the wind and I never know when it will break. I am all too familiar with the pattern. It will break. I know the feeling of the free fall to the ground and the all too familiar thud of reality when its done. 

I read another Aspie describe it like this, all the television stations are on at the same time in your head and you don't have the remote. I may know how to "pass" but inside I am struggling, everyday. This is one of the most difficult challenges of an invisible disability. Folks think you have it together, they think because you can pass that you are on the same page. In reality there is no same page, hell I'm not even in the same book or shelf. So don't expect me to react the same way especially when I'm scared out on the skinny branches. Do not assume I got it, I need simple clear communication.

So creating a new pattern where the trust branch doesn't break but holds strong in the torrid winds is a new concept. I am believing this time I have chosen the right branch and that perhaps I can begin to enjoy the view. I like the skinny branches you can see further like the hawks vision and the breeze is great. Its just the strong winds that give me cause for concern. But when I do let go and trust, and I will, maybe the branch will be one that holds tight in the storm and holds new lessons. I will accomplish the trust fall and then be ready for the next part of the course.

Take time to nurture your seeds of unity in whatever large or small way you feel led. Its a time where we can all connect and participate in this wave that will touch all of us.

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